relinquishing passivity

childhood like a box fan

billowing in the wind and churning through time

low, medium, high

love like a setting. serial number cradle me

numb adulthood in swallows and

pray the fever goes away in the mourning

stuccoed lining my throat that i

take for granted

smoke weakens the tongue and

coats my sarcophagus

i do not know the meaning if i cant see it

if i cant crack open the spine like a big book and find it written before me

i have to believe innit

i gotta believe in me

you and the us

the power, my power

i thought i was everyone and

forgot where i came from

once i slyly stepped into the room

and graced the floor with my tepid walk

do you feel the heat? cascading thrum in your bones like jazz band trombone? i remember as a child tryna

focus

on the blood flowing through my veins and

if i focused hard enough

felt my veins thrumming against my skin and marrow

just under the surface

and i get these moments where i feel so outside of myself: the self i’ve alphabetized and packed into milk crates

that hold up my bed

the poor child within myself from the westside who don’t know anything yet and still seeks answers in everyone and everything

i get these moments of clarity that unmoor me and leave me speechless

leave me ocean blue

and i never stay there for long, castaway

cuz its too quiet. soundless place

echoes my face back at me

surpass my wildest dreams

feels like the easy way out

i cant never find my way out there, not like the pulse

it takes more of me, requisites and demands

that i fear i’ll never be able to uphold

because my bed is diy and feel like home, a dusty one no less, bare of life absent of the people who made it so.

feels easy like tearing everything up and starting over

but age wrestles my mind and pins me down, makes me submit to brighter days ahead and swallow my pride

sanctity, sanctumonium

i fall asleep at sermons

they nestling my soul like lullabies; laying all my anger to rest

if i aint got no coal brewing my fire then who am i? not tough not cruel

there lies my charm

in a fitless sleep spurred on by duress

peace appears uncanny to children who born in the wild. niceness suspicious, judge quirked brow

pour into me like cement and silence my untold tales of woe

care for me greater, still

love feel selfish, abhorrent

love feel weak sometimes

in the glaring eye of the bigger picture, i relent. please lay off me, i beg

if not to secure my place in tomorrow then

let me atone for today