THE FIVE STAR PROBLEM

I'm hummin' and whistlin' to those not deserving // I've stumbled and lived every word, was I working just way too hard? -Solo (Reprise)

Hello, hellloo! Today I would like to talk about something, a learned behavior of mine or maybe some chemical imbalance in my brain. I looked at my neighbors down and across the metaphorical pews, either looking for their cheat sheet or some giveaway to what's on their mind and realized how hard I was working/trying to get it all right. I never approach anything unless I’m 100% sure I can find a way through. I’ve been told I often speak in codes or view things in a much more physical concept than others do. I find all the different types of people in this world so engaging and lovely, as I age and come into myself I’m everso grateful for the life I’ve been given. I take sneak peaks of the world through my friends’ eyes more than most and I love what I see. I love being able to feel the love I have for myself and others to the point where if I had enough time and the right words I believe I could describe it perfectly in detail to you, reader. Besides the point, along my self discovery journey I’ve come to appreciate the different ways in which we all think and understand one another and the crazy world around us. I fear my achilles heel may be examining things too close. I don’t do anything unless I know I can do it right. I’ve had troubles in the past with believing in myself but I’m doing better than I’ve ever been, at any rate I’ve come to head with the Five Star Problem.
As I’ve touched on briefly once before, I am very passionate about my work. As a reflection of me I like what I make and put out in hopes others find worthy enough to study and understand, to be a reflection of my skill, love of life, kindness, beliefs, and joy. There’s a quote from something that comes to mind, ‘it has to be perfect because it’s me.’

Pictured: Frank Ocean

One of my dearest friends did my makeup for what I believe to be the first time, which was an act so special to me given that I’d all but done away with the deed due to general dysmorphia and things alike. I’d requested a dark, smokey eye to channel a bit of a moody goth look to give on that summer eve and I was so much happier with the end result: a look we coined as alien makeup that reminded me of the Aurora Borealis I’d missed this year. I asked this friend a while later about whether or not they thought I was on the right path. We had a quick discussion about starting our careers and knowing when to give ourselves a break that ended with them saying she wishes she could give her friends her glasses so that they could see themselves the same way she does.

I also find it a good time to mention I have a bit of trouble with expressing either too much or too little most of the time, I wish I could stress just how much I believe in what I’m saying more articulately, how true it all really is

I try too hard to be perfect, which is a perfectly human thing to do in this modern age I’m sure. I just never realized how many areas of my life I applied that to too, how seriously I take myself and the people around me. How used to mayhem and gore and brutality I am. In a way this ties into a conversation I had with my brother yesterday (Hi if you're reading this! <3) about life in america as a black person. I told him about my take on the rite of the black soul, how this country wants us to believe there's only so much that we can amount to, only so much we’re worth. I don’t believe it’s talked about enough: the actual paralyzing grip that systemic racism and the white man have on us still, covering our eyes. I want my siblings (both blood and found family, all the black and brown people around the world) to know they are destined for greatness. Luck isn’t a chance thing, this I know for certain. But I’ve always believed for all my life, no matter how bad it was or how close I got to killing myself all before the age of 16 that things would work out for me. It’s this unnameable, unshakeable thing, and for a while before I knew much about anything I thought it could be god.

At least that’s what everyone around me called it. Told me to have faith, ‘This time next year!’ and all that. I don’t know what god is, but I know the faith I have in myself and of what this life could be is worth dying for. It’s worth living for. I see the white mans no good tricks for what they are. I see how black and brown people roam the streets aimlessly looking, running for something to belong to. Lost. I see it in the way we talk, which is another funny thing humans do: How so involved we are in what’s going on around us, dissecting people and behaviors but always saving ourselves for last. I surely don’t always know what I’m going to say before I say it, I try to ride the current; seam together bits and pieces of myself into this society, this everything blanket. Sometimes we get the best of ourselves, lips moving faster than our brains and all that. I see it in the way we talk: something other people aspire to possess and claim as something of their own, this one of a kind fiery passion and capacity for greatness. Seldom do we celebrate the little things, if one should even consider them that. My siblings speak of their past achievements and I hear their strength, their drive. The things I love and the power of shared thought comes to mind and I visualize before me all that they could do, and I can’t wait to see what’s next.

I know our path is a hard one, this life ain’t fair. Another thing I said to my brother was that despite it all, you just gotta keep goin. My words could come off as cliche or unserious, but don’t mistake me, friend. I know we could accomplish everything we’d ever dreamed of if we just let go of all the bad things. It’s taken me longer than I’d like to be honest with myself, got tired of sparing my own feelings just to stay in the same spot. We oftentimes forget to hold ourselves accountable as well, just to have the last laugh.

The Five Star Problem may have been born from a generation of people who couldn’t let go of their hurt, and in effort to do so they ended up passing it onto their children. I wish I could apologize to my child self and the rest of our generation for the things we learned to carry and deal with at such a young age. I am confident that we won’t make the same mistake, though this life is not as linear as it can appear, people change and learn and fail over and over again until we die. The best we can do is live with compassion and heal ourselves. Growing up a child in my family, and maybe the black community shares this same tendency (would love to hear your own thoughts and experiences!) to overlook children. My parents didn’t choose to speak to me unless they had to up until a little while after I was old enough to care for myself (in my later years we’d manage our own banter and small talk which more often than not was just them looking to me to solve their problems) and form my own thoughts and opinions. Children are discarded in a way that feels cruel, talked about and around in circles and never taken seriously. This feeling of inadequacy may have stuck with me too..

My younger brother and I, two years apart (if you’re reading this hiii!! <3) were treated equally in this sense, him far longer than I. I'd like to think in an effort to maintain his innocence. I learned most of my toughest lessons in that house, first being I had to speak up for myself. I had to let myself be known. If no one will listen you have to make them

I see this pattern repeated, the strange urge to belittle your children to keep them in their place. When I turned 18, which my family liked to say it felt like I had been for so long due to my 6+ month long countdown, I came to the realization that my parents didn’t see me as anything more than their child, their creation. I pondered and contemplated my existence. How long had I really been my own person and what does that mean? What can I do? I find myself still asking for permission to exist from my friends and even strangers. I pat the social barriers in fear of rupturing invisible boundaries. 

But am I limiting myself by placing walls where they don’t have to exist? Where they shouldn’t

I ramble and meander. The point of this post whilst I still have your attention is to address the societal need to accept nothing less than perfection. I know my own worth, and I hope you do too regardless of how long it may have taken us to reach this state of inner peace. I simply must stress the distinction between knowing when to let go and walk away when something isn’t right for you, when to start all over versus coming down on ourselves far too much. I probably haven’t even come aware of all my little habits, I like things a certain way or not at all. I’m exploring that. I recall a journaling session where I asked myself why I needed all or nothing, why I go toe to toe with everything and live with such ferocity. I ask you, not you, reader, but the metaphysical that I was told and find myself believing shone down on us, whether it be god or something in space which managed to find us at the right place, right time. I ask you what would you have me be? What’s the meaning of all this if not to feel and share with thy neighbor? I turn to the audience and for the first time feel prepared to use my voice. I feel ready enough, I can only hope the world is too.

Once again thank you for reading! I’m not sure what my schedule for this blog will be just yet but my goal is to post at least every other day. I'm still finding a writing style that suits me and often see too much of others in what I say so it takes me a moment to sit with it and let it ring true. I waste too much time worrying about sounding pretentious or disingenuous, whether I’m saying the right thing and making use of my time here and about my words getting twisted and misconstrued. So! That is to say you can trust I will always speak from my soul, I have no desire to lie to anyone anymore and seek justice and truth to the best of my ability. I’m holding myself to this and it gives me a great feeling to be able to share my words somewhere where they’ll be appreciated. Until next time!

p.p.s: My wonderful talented brilliant and amazing friend and roommate Helena and I are starting a new series every Thursday (excuse my tardiness!) where we come together to have thought provoking discussions and share questions and prompts! We’d love to hear from you, dear reader, feel free to jump in the thread and share your own thoughts and to ask your own questions/prompts! This is a safe space first and foremost so feel free to be as loud as you wish and ramble as much as you’d like!

-Joey